Elsinork

(SFX fanfare/alarm clock)You are Hamlet, prince of Denmark, a man of indeterminate age living in an indeterminate era. You wake up in gloomy old Castle Elsinork, with only your sword for company, unhappy at the prospect of another day. Waves crash in the distance. [[Is there more to life than this, you wonder?...]]

You fall asleep for real and dream of being stuck in an endless, meaningless loop... (after: 3s)[You're woken by a knock on the door. (SFX urgent door knock) What do you want to do? [[Put on your black dressing gown and go and answer it...]] [[Pretend to be asleep...]]]

It's your friend Horatio and a couple of freaked-out looking guards, Barnardo and Marcellus, who spend their nights up on the battlements of the castle. They claim to have seen your father's ghost, and want you to join them on watch tonight to check out the apparition. What do you want to do? [[Tell them they're dreaming...]] [[Tell them you love a bit of ghost action...]]

You shut the door and flip through your record collection. It all seems a bit stale, flat and unprofitable. You decide to play Solitaire instead, and lose. You stare at the Blu Tack stains on the walls from the posters you used to have when you were a teenager. [[What happened to those posters, anyway?...]]

The fellas arrange to meet you on the battlements later, when it's nice and dark. What do you do next? [[Play solitaire...]] [[Go looking for Ophelia...]]

It's a servant who wants you to attend some boring function down in the court, put on by your mother the queen and your shifty uncle, who's now the king (don't ask). "You are missed, your Highness," says the minion. What do you do? [[Follow the servant to the court of Castle Elsinork...]] [[Tell him to get out before you have him horse-whipped for his impudence...]]

Somehow you manage to lose. Your day is not improving. You look out the window and see it's snowing again. It's a very long way down from your room high in the castle. You think, not for the first time, that you could squeeze out that window if you really tried... (after: 5s)[There's another knock at the door. (SFX urgent door knock) What do you do? [[Answer the door...]] [[Jump out the window...]]]

You don't find the fair Ophelia, but you do catch sight of another fetching young woman waiting outside the castle, and go to investigate. When you get outside, you discover that the young woman is in distress, and not alone. Her name is Juliet. She and her companion, Romeo, are on the run and looking for somewhere to hide, as far as you can tell. (You don't speak Italian and they don't speak Danish, Philistines.) What do you do? [[Help them...]] [[Tell them it's not your problem, and anyway they're trespassing...]]

Weird old Uncle Claudius is rabbiting on to the collected throng of lackeys about how much he loves your mum. She's making goo goo eyes at him. Have they forgotten your father already? Disgusted, you start talking to yourself about wishing solid flesh would melt. The people standing nearby whisper and edge away, apart from your mate Horatio, who hassles you about coming up to the battlements later to do a bit of ghost-watching (or ghost-busting, it's not quite clear). You say: [["Okay, you're on"...]] [["Sorry mate, I'm not in the mood, I'd rather watch Netflix..."]]

(SFX splat death) You make quite a mess when you hit the ground, but that's not your problem now. THE END. Or is it? Would you like to have another go at life, or was once quite enough, thank you very much? [[Once was enough, let's hope there's no such thing as reincarnation...]] [[Have another go...->ELSINORK]]

(SFX sad end music)The rest is silence, apart from this sad little tune. THE END. Or do you want another go? [[YES->ELSINORK]]

[[Pretend to be asleep...]]

You hide the young lovers in the castle. Soon after, two groups of very angry, well-armed Italians show up in sports cars and kill everyone, including you, before fighting each other in the ruins of Castle Elsinork. [[The rest is silence...]]

The lovers swear at you in Italian and leave. You go back inside, where you're urged by a servant to join your uncle the king, who's in the midst of making a long and no doubt very boring speech. [[Follow the servant to the court of Castle Elsinork...]]

(SFX sad end music)Well, apart from this sad little tune. THE END. Or do you want another go? [[YES->ELSINORK]]

Alone again. Time to talk to yourself. Is there anyone in the world who cares whether you live or die? [[Go looking for Ophelia...]]

A mad English hunchback with a bloodstained crown is wandering around saying he'll swap his kingdom for a horse. Maybe you should take him up on it? God knows how long it will take for you to inherit this one. Do you: [[Go and get a horse for him...]] [[Tell him to bugger off...]]

The hunchbacked king says thanks very much for the horse, climbing aboard with difficulty. "What about the kingdom?" you say. "That was just a figure of speech," he says. [[The horse gallops off...]]

Furious, the mad Englishman draws his sword and stabs you with it. You fall on the ground, bleeding to death. [[The rest is silence...]]

In the kitchen they're preparing stegt flæsk, frikadeller and wienerbrød, along with a bewildering variety of pickled herring dishes. The sight of these delicacies turns your stomach. Alas, muesli has not yet been invented. Do you: [[Ask if a bit of toast is out of the question?...]] [[Or sneak outside?...]]

The kitchen staff look at you like you're mad, and shake their heads sadly, before returning to their work. Upstairs, you can hear a commotion in the court. You also notice a trapdoor which leads to the cellar. [[You decide to investigate what's happening upstairs...->Follow the servant to the court of Castle Elsinork...]] [[You open the trapdoor and go down steep steps...]]

(SFX straight door knock)There's a knock at the door. What do you want to do? [[Put on your black dressing gown and go and answer it...]] [[Pretend to be asleep...]]

You leave the court with the intention of looking up flights to Fiji, before remembering the last time you went to the palace library to investigate that subject the shelves were strangely bare. Hearing familiar voices, you stop to spy through a keyhole. It's Laertes packing to leave for France. He's warning his sister Ophelia about you, the cad. You consider storming in and ventilating Laertes, but then their idiot father Polonius shows up and starts dispensing unwanted advice. He doesn't want Ophelia to talk to you. Is it really a good idea to marry into this family, you wonder? Do you: [[Push your way in and challenge Laertes to a duel?...]] [[Push your way in and challenge Polonius to a water fight?...]] [[Push your way in and challenge Ophelia to a game of Twister?...]] [[Go outside and try to calm down?...]]

(SFX gooey splat death)Before you can challenge anyone to anything, you slip on a banana peel, and impale yourself on an antique narwhal tusk that someone left lying around. Your last words are neither memorable, nor fit to be repeated. [[The rest is silence...]]

(SFX gooey splat death) Before you can challenge anyone to anything, you slip on a banana peel, and impale yourself on an antique narwhal tusk that someone left lying around. Your last words are neither memorable, nor fit to be repeated. [[The rest is silence...]]

In the forest beyond the castle, you come across a jolly fat bloke named Falstaff, who challenges you to a drinking game. He's come prepared with flasks of fine alcoholic beverages from across the world. Falstaff is much better at drinking than you are. When you wake from your alcoholic stupor, it's dark and freezing. Falstaff has gone. Something is definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. High on the battlements of the castle, you see a light, and vaguely remember there was somewhere you were supposed to be tonight. [[You go and investigate...]]

Swaying high on the battlements of Castle Elsinork, you hear the revelry of your mother and uncle down below, and vomit drunkenly in their general direction. No one notices. Horatio and the guards arrive and remind you what you're there for, to see the ghost of the late king, your father. You say you don't believe in ghosts, but then you see the apparition, dressed in your father's armour, and glowing with an ethereal light. It beckons you to follow. Do you: [[Follow the ghost?...]] [[Run away?->Argue with the ghost...]] [[Vomit again?...]]

(SFX urgent door knock)There's a knock at the door. What do you do? [[Answer the door...]] [[Wait until they've gone, and then sneak off to the kitchen...]]

Horatio and the others say ghosts shouldn't be trusted, and warn you not to follow. You decide you know better, and accompany the ghost to a secluded spot high on the battlements, where the two of you can have a bit of privacy. The ghost tells you he was murdered by his brother Claudius: poison was poured in his ear as he slept. You think to yourself, that's a pretty weird way to murder someone. Do you: [[Argue with the ghost...]] [[Listen to the ghost...]]

(SFX spooky sound)The ectoplasmic muscles of your father's ghost are surprisingly strong. In a flash, it's beside and then around you. Furious, the ghost throws you from the battlements into the raging sea below. [[The rest is silence...]]

The ghost of the king orders you to revenge him, but be nice to your mother. Priorities! "Remember me," he says, in his spooky ghost voice. "Hang on," you say. "Can't you just appear to the people downstairs and tell them yourself? Why is it all on me?" But a crowing rooster has scared the ghost off. Do you: [[Decide to stop drinking?...]] [[Get some medical help and maybe a mental health plan?...]] [[Swear your friends to secrecy with a blood pact, and decide to find out if the ghost is telling the truth, by "pretending" to be mad...]]

(SFX vomiting)When you look up after vomiting your guts out, the ghost is gone. After a couple of days, no one can remember what happened that night on top of the castle. You hook up with Ophelia in spite of her weird family, become king when Claudius chokes on a chicken bone, and do a sweet deal with Fortinbras to settle the disputed lands. War is averted, and everyone lives happily after, pretty much. Sometimes though, you feel like you missed something important that night when you were blind drunk up on the battlements. Damn that Falstaff! THE END. Do you want another go? [[YES->ELSINORK]]

After a couple of days, no one can remember what happened that night on top of the castle. You hook up with Ophelia in spite of her weird family, become king when Claudius chokes on a herring bone, and do a sweet deal with Fortinbras to settle the disputed lands your father invaded when he was in charge. War is averted, and everyone lives happily after, pretty much. Sometimes though, you feel like you missed something important that night when you were blind drunk up on the battlements. Damn that Falstaff! THE END Do you want another go? [[YES->ELSINORK]]

After a couple of days, no one can remember what happened that night on top of the castle. You hook up with Ophelia in spite of her weird family, become king when Claudius chokes on a herring bone, and do a sweet deal with Fortinbras to settle the disputed lands your father invaded. War is averted, and everyone lives happily after, pretty much. Sometimes though, you feel like you missed something important that night when you were blind drunk up on the battlements. Damn that Falstaff! THE END. Do you want another go? [[YES->ELSINORK]]

The next day, you wake up and choose something black to wear, before racing off to talk to Ophelia. Do you: [[Tell her what happened on the battlements...]] [[Tell her you don't have time for a girlfriend just now, because there's super-important royal stuff to sort out...->Get undressed again, grab Ophelia, then stare at her like a lunatic...]] [[Get undressed again, grab Ophelia, then stare at her like a lunatic...]]

Miracle of miracles, Ophelia believes you about the ghost and the murder, and realises your position is highly precarious if you stay in Castle Elsinork. She suggests the two of you elope and pursue your dreams overseas, rather than confronting your parents. After all, neither of you like Danish food anyway. You say: [["I thought I was supposed to be the crazy one!" Then you run off...->Get undressed again, grab Ophelia, then stare at her like a lunatic... ]] [["Great idea Ophelia! I'll grab some of the crown jewels to pay for our trip and you get us a horse. I'll meet you out the back in five minutes"...]]

You do a lap around the castle, disguise yourself as a washerwoman, then double back and spy on Ophelia as she tearfully tells her father Polonius you're acting like a crazy person. Do you: [[Follow Polonius to hear what he tells the king?...]] [[Run off down the road in disguise?...]]

[[Get undressed again, grab Ophelia, then stare at her like a lunatic...]]

Disguised as a washerwoman, you spy on Polonius telling Uncle Claudius that you, Hamlet, are sick with love. The gall of these people! [[You throw off your disguise and confront Claudius as your father's murderer...]] [[You go back to apologise to Ophelia for your earlier behaviour...]]

You are surprised to see two old friends from university, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, approaching Castle Elsinork. They are sharing a horse. Do you: [[Throw off your washerwoman disguise and greet your friends?...]] [[Stay in disguise and see if they recognise you?...]]

You steal some crown jewels (they're supposed to be yours, anyway) put them in a little sack then go to the kitchen to grab some food. All they have is rock hard bread. You put that in your sack as well. You feel a bit guilty about not leaving a note for Horatio, but pens haven't been invented yet and there's no quills around. He'll figure it out, he's a smart guy. [[You race out the back to meet Ophelia...]]

[[Get undressed again, grab Ophelia, then stare at her like a lunatic...]]

Ophelia says she couldn't find a horse, and doesn't have any decent walking shoes. "That's ok," you say. "I'll carry you." The two of you haven't got very far when you bump into Christopher Marlowe, who says he's looking for material. Do you: [[Stop and talk to Marlowe?...]] [[Bash him over the head with your sack and steal his horse?...]]

Marlowe gives you and Ophelia some sack to drink while he plies you for information about the goings-on at Castle Elsinork. He writes down everything you say in a little book. "Very interesting," he says. "Tell me more." Unfortunately the palace guards soon arrive and capture all of you. Marlowe is executed as a foreign spy. You are imprisoned for the rest of your life in the castle dungeon. Ophelia is sent off to a nunnery. THE END. [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

Selling crown jewels as you go, the two of you safely escape from Denmark. You achieve your dream to go to a prestigious drama school and make it as an actor. Well sort of. Daytime soaps, mostly. Ophelia becomes a major international recording artist. You're only slightly jealous. Happily ever after! Double income, no kids, spa, his and hers jet skis, the lot. THE END. [[Sometimes though, you wonder what might have been...->ELSINORK]]

(SFX terrifying monster)It's very dark in the cellar. You are eaten by a grue. [[The rest is silence...]]

The king calls for guards, and a straitjacket. "Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!" you cry, but your old friends ignore you. Even worse, they help the guards restrain you, and take your sword. "This is for your own good," says your mother. [[You are roughly escorted to the castle dungeon, and chained to the wall.]]

(SFX horse gallops off)Rosencrantz and Guildenstern don't recognise you. In fact they almost run you over with their horse, and leave you sprawling in the dust. "Out of our way, washerwoman!" says Rosencrantz. "Back to your washing!" says Guildenstern. [[They ride off to Castle Elsinork, laughing.]]

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are a bit weird (maybe it's the washerwoman outfit?), but are happy to see you all the same. "What are you doing here" you ask. [[The three of you adjourn to the nearest inn to catch up on old times...]]

(SFX horse gallops off)A servant appears and says you are needed at court. [[Follow the servant to the court of Castle Elsinork...]]

You pick yourself up and make your way back to the castle. At the door of the castle, you come across a drunken gatekeeper. "Knock knock!" he says. "Let me in, you idiot," you respond. "Who's there?" he says. "What?" "You're supposed to say: 'Who's there?'" "I don't have time for this," you say, and shove the man out of the way. [[You stomp inside.->Go to speak to Ophelia...]]

On the way to Ophelia's room, you come across a strange little man with pointy ears and a mischievous grin, crouched in a window. "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" he says, to no one in particular. "Are you talking to me?" you say. But the little man just clicks his fingers and disappears. Do you: [[Get some medical help and maybe a mental health plan?...]] [[Go to speak to Ophelia...]]

Still disguised as a washerwoman, you come across your old friends from university, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, greeting your mother and your uncle, the king. No one notices you. From what you can hear, they appear to be hatching some kind of plot to betray you. Suddenly the gatekeeper is at your shoulder. You can smell his drunken breath. "Knock knock!" he says. You struggle with the man and bundle him outside again before pushing him into the moat. When you return, the king and queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are nowhere to be seen. [[You pull off your washerwoman disguise and go looking for Ophelia...]]

Before you've finished the first round of ales you've told Rosencrantz and Guildenstern about your father's murder, the ghost, the whole shebang. They admit they were sent for, with rumours being put about by your uncle that you've gone crazy. "Do I seem crazy?" you ask. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look at each other for a moment too long, then say, "No, no. Not at all. But if what you're saying is true, none of us are safe here. We must leave." Suddenly you notice three female exchange students sitting nearby and darting shy glances. They're sharing one copy of "Lonely Planet Denmark", which they're holding upside-down. Across the room is a balding, effeminate-looking man, staring furiously at you and scribbling notes with a long quill. Do you: [[Talk to the exchange students?...]] [[Talk to the writer?...]]

The strange man is soon forgotten as you, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern start chatting with the female exchange students, who are keen to learn more Danish. They say they've finished their placements and have some time to kill. One thing leads to another, and the six of you decide to leave gloomy old Denmark and go travelling together (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are cashed up, having been paid in advance for their mission by your parents). You decide to leave a note for Ophelia. [[The writer reluctantly lends you his pen ...->Steal the pen and some paper from the Englishman?...]]

Before you can get a word out, the writer stands and challenges you. "I say," he says in a ridiculous English accent. "You are taking some liberties with my text, sirrah." "What did you call me?" you say. Then things rapidly head downhill. Rosencrantz pulls out his rapier, the Englishman scoffs at it and says something about the pen being mightier than the sword, before tossing a tankard at him. He misses and hits one of the exchange students, soaking her. She throws the Lonely Planet guide at the writer and hits him in the head. "Ow!" he says. You say, "Aren't you going to apologise to the lady?" "I created you!" bellows the writer. "I created all of you!" He tips over his table, ready to take on all comers, but the publican sneaks up behind him with a lump of wood, and knocks the idiot out. "That's the third bloke with a god complex we've had in here this week," he says, before dragging the writer out the back unceremoniously. [[Talk to the exchange students?...]] [[Steal the pen and some paper from the Englishman?...]]

You write a note for Ophelia, explaining what's happened and apologising for acting like an idiot. The publican promises to deliver it. You leave Denmark and live happily ever after as a double trouple. THE END. [[Or would you rather return to your life of misery?...->ELSINORK]]

No one comes to visit you, apart from the mute guard who occasionally throws you an old bone. Via morse code to other prisoners, you hear rumours that Ophelia has been sent to a nunnery, and the kingdom is falling into ruin. After an age, your shackles rust through, and you squeeze free. The door to your cell is tightly barred, but you notice an entrance to a cellar in the corner of the dungeon. [[You open the trapdoor and go down steep steps...]]

In Ophelia's room you are dismayed to find only her annoying father, Polonius. You put on your crazy act and tell him he's a fishmonger. Acting like your ears are broken, Polonius starts talking to himself about whether you're the mad one! Do you: [[Go outside to get away from all this nonsense?...]] [[Go looking for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?...]]

You find your old university mates Rosencrantz and Guildenstern unpacking their stuff. After some prodding, they admit they were sent for by your uncle and mother, and not because they were missing your clever wordplay, or had a sudden urge to visit Denmark. You tell them you've been a bit depressed. Do you: [[Explain why?...]] [[Tell them you're not exactly mad, but not exactly sane either...]]

You come across three strange-looking women stirring something in a cauldron over a fire. "Double, double toil and trouble," they chant. You say: [["I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong play..."]] [["Can I have some soup?"...]]

(SFX toad ribit)The witches are furious, and turn you into a toad. It's not so bad being a toad. You soon forget all about humans, meet a nice lady toad and live happily ever after. THE END [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

"Our potion will reveal your future," say the witches. "Is that what you want?" You say: [["Not really," and go back inside.->Go looking for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?...]] [["Absolutely, that's what I want."]]

You have some of their disgusting soup, and everything goes dark. You find yourself deep underground, in a cave, or it a cellar? [[You fumble for a light switch...->You open the trapdoor and go down steep steps...]]

You tell them all about the ghost and the other dark goings-on at Castle Elsinork. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are horrified. Together, the three of you are hatching a plan to escape with Ophelia when guards burst in, at the direction of evil Uncle Claudius, who's been listening all this time. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are thrown from the walls of the castle into the sea. [[You are roughly escorted to the castle dungeon, and chained to the wall.]]

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern say they know just the thing to cheer you up: there are some travelling players on the way! Do you: [[Say you're not in the mood, and go back to your room to sulk...]] [[Say that's awesome, and go to meet the players...]]

You get your electric lute out from under the bed, then remember there's no way to plug it in. Amplifiers haven't been invented yet. [[Disgruntled, you fall asleep.->Go up to your room to have a sleep...]]

The travelling players are an entertaining bunch. They manage to distract you from your misery with their beautifully contrived emotions, although they also force you to doubt your own sincerity. Do you: [[Suggest they perform "The Murder Of Gonzago" with a few extra lines added, so you can see how the king reacts?...]] [[Offer yourself as their newest member, happy to do anything from catering to spear-carrying, on condition that you all leave the castle immediately...?]]

The players agree, but what about the royalties? You explain that with the new words and a different title, no one will be any the wiser. After they've gone, you talk to yourself a bit about your cunning secret plan to use theatre to find out if the ghost was telling the truth about your uncle (lie detectors haven't been invented yet). Hopefully no one is listening. Afterwards you: [[Go up to your room to have a sleep...]] [[Go looking for something to eat...]] [[Go in search of Ophelia...]]

The players agree, and whisk you out of the castle in one of their costume cases. You become a successful travelling player, renouncing your kingdom and curing your depression. Years later you bump into Ophelia, but she's not happy to see you: in fact, she spikes your drink, poisoning you for abandoning her. You die in agony. THE END. [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

You have a weird dream about giraffes. When you wake up, Kenneth Branagh is in your room, looking out the window. He says: "You're doing it all wrong." What do you do? [[Call for the guards...]] [[Speak to the knave...]]

In the kitchen, there's no one there but a strange-looking young man chewing on a capon. "Who the hell are you?" you ask. "You can call me Hal," he says. Do you: [[Call for the guards...]] [[Speak to the foppish knave...]]

You find the fair Ophelia. Do you: [[Tell her everything that's been happening and suggest the two of you elope?...]] [[Tell her you don't love her, carry on like a misogynistic lunatic, rail against women and marriage in general, and advise Ophelia to become a nun...]]

The guards throw the knave into the sea from the castle walls. [[You decide to go in search of Ophelia.->Go in search of Ophelia...]]

"This black thing you've got going on is so tired," says Kenneth, going through your wardrobe. He pulls out a brightly coloured Hawaiian shirt. "Why don't you wear this?" "My mother gave it to me." "Ah," says Kenneth. "Well what about this?" From his bag, he produces a T shirt with his own face on it. "Why would I wear that?" you ask. "It might give you some inspiration, get you out of your funk, you know. Try a new direction. I could give you my book as well if you like. Look, I've signed it." He offers you his autobiography. Do you: [[Push him out of the window?...]] [[Call for the guards...]]

After that you run off, talk to yourself about the pros and cons of suicide (Lifeline hasn't been invented yet, unfortunately – the number is 13 11 14, future readers!) and then sneak back to see what happens next. Here's the short version: Ophelia thinks you're crazy, your evil uncle wants to send you to England, and Ophelia's idiot dad Polonius thinks you should talk to your mum, Gertrude. Well that's not going to happen, obviously. Do you: [[Stomp outside to commune with nature?...]] [[Go hang with the players...]] [[Go to talk to your mum?...]]

"I thought I should give you some advice, prince to prince," says Hal. "I can see you're struggling." You wonder what kind of wisdom this foolish-looking boy might have the temerity to think he could share with you. Certainly not fashion advice, by the look of him. Still, his sword looks bigger than yours. "How did you get in here?" "Never mind that," says Hal. You're trying to decide whether to have him horse-whipped or thrown from the cliffs when the knave speaks again. "Tell me, where do you keep your sack?" "I think there's some in the cellar," you say. Hal goes down into the cellar. There's the sound of a scream and then bones being crunched up. [[You shut the cellar door and go looking for Ophelia.->Go in search of Ophelia...]]

(SFX splat death)Kenneth hits the ground with a satisfying splat. [[You put on something black, then go in search of Ophelia.->Go in search of Ophelia...]]

Ophelia agrees, but unfortunately your uncle and her dad were secretly listening, and you are both arrested, and separated. [[You are roughly escorted to the castle dungeon, and chained to the wall.]]

You wake up to discover time has flown, and it's time for the big performance. The court gathers to watch the play. Do you: [[Tell the players you've changed your mind, and are going to do some solo improv instead...]] [[Stick with the plan...]]

You run into an old bloke with a weird looking cloak and strange eyes. He says his name is Prospero and he can fix everything if you say the magic word. "What's that?" you ask. "Guess." What do you say? [["Abradadabra..."->You open the trapdoor and go down steep steps...]] [["Please"...]] [["Didn't you see the sign out the front about pedlars, hawkers and travelling magicians?"]]

You bump into Horatio in the corridor, who asks you how it's going. "Not too well," you say. "Do you want to get drunk?" asks Horatio. You say: [["Great idea"...->A few hours later...]] [["No, I think we should run away together"...]]

The players ask you if you have any advice on the art of stage performance, acting and drama in general. "Funny you should ask that," you say. [[A few hours later...]]

Prospero conjures a storm, which surrounds you and whips away your suit of black. The castle and Denmark are obliterated. You forget everything of your former life and find yourself on a far away island, in love with Prospero's daughter Miranda, who's on the rebound from her ex, Ferdinand, another prince, but not as cool as you. You marry and live happily after. [[Or do you?->ELSINORK]]

(SFX toad ribit)Prospero is furious, and turns you into a toad. It's not so bad being a toad. You soon forget all about humans, meet a nice lady toad and live happily ever after. THE END. [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

"What about Ophelia?" asks Horatio. "Forget Ophelia," you say. "You're the one that I want." Horatio is pleasantly surprised. You steal some of the crown jewels and sneak off together on Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's horse. You and Horatio live happily ever after. Well, at least until you're robbed and murdered by bandits on the road. THE END. [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

The players perform the revised play, in which a king is poisoned in the ear while asleep in his garden. Affrighted by false fire, Uncle Claudius rises and storms out. It seems the ghost was telling the truth. The players are going to be lucky to be paid at this rate. Everyone scatters in confusion as you and Horatio revel in your cleverness, but then you start worrying about what will happen next. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern tell you the king isn't happy. Your mother also wants to speak to you. Do you: [[Have it out with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?...]] [[Go and talk to Gertrude?...]] [[Tell Horatio you want to run away together?->"No, I think we should run away together"...]] [[Ring the cops?]]

You give them some of your best work, but it's a few centuries too early for this crowd, and doesn't go down well. Only Horatio appreciates it. Ophelia laughs at the joke about the giraffe, but no one gets the one about hawk and the handsaw. Eventually evil uncle Claudius orders the guards to restrain you. They take your sword and put you in a straitjacket. "This is for your own good," says your mother. [[You are roughly escorted to the castle dungeon, and chained to the wall.]]

R&G attempt to play upon you like a flute, you play upon them like an electric lute. Then Polonius shows up and you play upon him like a bassoon. Everyone says you should talk to your mother. What do you do? [[Steal Guildenstern's knife, take off all your clothes and run outside...]] [[Go and talk to your mum...->Go and talk to Gertrude?...]]

You speak daggers to your mother, which probably isn't the best approach, considering her fragile state of mind. Then you hear the sound of someone behind the arras. What the hell is an arras anyway? There's no time to think about that. You draw your sword and plunge it through the fabric. A body slumps to the floor. Unfortunately it's not Claudius. It's Polonius, Ophelia's dad. Who's going to pay for the wedding now? The ghost of your father appears and tells you to get back to the business at hand. It's not your mother's fault she missed him so much she had to immediately marry his evil brother. Gertrude can't see her dead husband's ghost at all. Now she thinks you're crazier than ever. Thanks Dad! Do you: [[Tell the ghost you've got everything under control?...]] [[Drag Polonius away?...]] [[Make your mum a nice cup of tea?...]]

Cops haven't been invented, you idiot. Let alone phones. [[Go and talk to your mum...->On the way to talk Gertrude?...]]

Beyond the castle, you are stopped in your tracks by a mad-looking bloke in a kilt with bloodied hands. He doesn't seem to notice you're naked, but has eyes only for your knife. "Is this a dagger which I see before me?" Before you can answer him, a couple of guards dive tackle you from behind, then take your knife and sword. [[You are roughly escorted to the castle dungeon, and chained to the wall.]]

On the way to your mother the queen, you peer through the keyhole of the king's bedchamber, to see evil Uncle Claudius praying to be relieved of his many sins. "My words fly up, my thoughts remain below,' he says. What a time for iambic pentameter! Do you: [[Stab him and put him out of his misery?...]] [[Leave a higher power to deal with Claudius and go and talk to your mum...->Go and talk to Gertrude?...]]

No sooner have you killed Claudius than the ghost of your father shows up, furious with you. Apparently killing people when they're praying sends them straight to heaven, no matter what they did five minutes earlier. Who knew? Not at all happy, Hamlet senior does the Darth Vader thing with your throat, and puts you out of your misery. [[The rest is silence...]]

(SFX spooky sound)Not at all happy, Hamlet senior does the Darth Vader thing with your throat, and puts you out of your misery. [[The rest is silence...]]

Having hidden the body of Polonius, you bump into Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who say they're taking you to England, whether you like it or not. "You and whose army?" you retort. "Mine," says Uncle Claudius, who suddenly appears with his soldiers. Do you: [[Draw your sword and fight them all?...]] [[Say, "I always wanted to go to England, can Ophelia come too?...]]

There isn't any tea, unfortunately. [[You bid farewell to your unhappy parents, living and dead, and drag Polonius away, leaving a trail of blood for the servants to clean up later.->Drag Polonius away?...]]

You get in a couple of good strikes, but then Claudius' men clobber you until you're unconscious. [[You wake up at sea...]]

"Absolutely not," says Claudius. "you just murdered her father, remember? Where's the body anyway?" You hit him with some clever stuff about Polonius being at supper, and then bring your uncle down a peg or two with "a man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king", but Claudius is unimpressed. He orders his men to clobber you until you're unconscious. [[You wake up at sea...]]

You make nice with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and eventually they release you to wander the ship, after they've hidden all the cutlery. Everyone but you gets seasick, which gives you an opportunity to riffle through their papers. You find a sealed envelope addressed to the king of England and steam it open. It contains orders from King Claudius for your immediate execution upon arrival at the English court. Do you: [[Change the name on the warrant from "Hamlet" to "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern"?...]] [[Replace the instructions with new ones saying, "Award the bearer two hundred gold sovereigns. Do not pass go"?...]] [[Put the letter back exactly how it was, and reseal it...]]

You steal a lifeboat, and set off when everyone is asleep, leaving Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to be executed when they reach England. Did they deserve it? [[Who cares?...->Your karma catches up with you...]] [[Yes...->You are eaten by a whale...]] [[No....->You are rescued by a passing argosy, and taken to the shores of Denmark...]]

On arrival in England, you use the money from the king to start a power rock trio, and then invent death metal. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern learn bass and drums, as well as contributing occasional backing vocals. What your English groupies lack in teeth and table manners, they make up for with personality and enthusiasm. You now have someone to carry your lute to gigs, and your very own mule. Permanently drunk, you forget all about Ophelia, and Denmark, and live happily ever after. [[Or do you?->ELSINORK]]

Soon after arriving in England you are unceremoniously executed. No one wants to upset the king of Denmark. Three centuries of Viking invasions were more than enough! [[The rest is silence...]]

The pirates are lead by Cleopatra, who wants to take you back to Egypt and rule the Nile with her. "But you're from the wrong era," you protest. 'You should talk!" she says. Leaving Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to their fate, Cleopatra kidnaps you and widens your horizons, before reluctantly agreeing to drop you off in freezing old Scandinavia. [[You wade ashore, and wave goodbye to Cleopatra..->You begin trudging back to Castle Elsinork, to get your revenge...]]

Your karma catches up with you, along with your lack of attention to sea navigation when you were at school. You perish from thirst, surrounded by water. [[The rest is silence...]]

(SFX swallowed by whale)Falling overboard, you are eaten by a whale, who later has indigestion. [[The rest is silence...]]

You are rescued by a passing argosy, and taken to some vaguely familiar frozen shores. In the distance there's the faint but unmistakeable smell of pickled herring. [[You begin trudging back to Castle Elsinork, to get your revenge...]]

(SFX storm and rain)Caught in a storm, you meet a stooped, ancient ex-king and his fool. Searching for shelter, you commiserate about families. "Can't live with them, can't die without them," says the old man. "Want to buy a slightly used crown?" says the fool. You tell him you're broke, and anyway you're disillusioned with the whole royalty thing. 'Me too,' says the fool. You part ways with this strange duo at the next crossroads, who are heading towards what might be a hovel in the distance (you're not tempted). [[Rain pelts down, gradually turning to snow as you trudge north...]]

After an entertaining musical montage sequence featuring polar bears, dancing girls, a bloke with a donkey's head and a mariachi band riding in a sleigh, you find yourself approaching a churchyard where two gravediggers are going about their work. Do you: [[Listen to the gravediggers?...]] [[Decamp to the nearby Exposition Inn for a warming gløgg?...]]

The gravediggers joke about death, and whether suicides merit Christian burial, or should just be left to the crows. One of them unearths a skull belonging to a long-dead royal jester, Yorick. You are overcome with emotion, and ask them to toss you the skull. As you grab it (lucky catch!), you remember the funny man who used to jog you on his knee and make silly faces to make everyone laugh. Do you: [[Go back in time to talk to Yorick?...]] [[Ask the gravediggers who the grave is for?...]]

You find out that the kingdom has descended into debauchery and chaos. Even worse, Ophelia is dead, by her own hand! Her brother Laertes blames you, Hamlet, for her descent into madness and all that followed. Do you: [[Go the castle to confront him?...]] [[Drink yourself into oblivion?...]]

Laertes isn't there. You find Horatio instead, who's overjoyed to see you alive, and breaks out his secret sack stash in celebration. [[The two of you drink yourselves into a stupor.->Drink yourself into oblivion?...]]

You wake to find yourself back in your old room, lying in your old bed. Was it all a dream? (after: 3s)[You're woken by a knock on the door. (SFX urgent door knock) What do you want to do? [[Go and answer it...]] [[You remember Ophelia is dead, and that you are responsible. You decide to jump out the window.->Jump out the window...]]]

At the door is a plumed idiot who says his name is Osric. He says you were found very drunk, and brought to your old room by servants. Today there is to be a duel between you and Laertes. It's all been arranged, apparently. What are your preferred weapons? [[Swords?...]] [[Tasers?...]]

Swords it is then. The duel will be just before lunch, with refreshments available. Osric clicks his high heels and says, "Here's your throat back, thanks for the loan." Or maybe he actually says something else. You're still pretty drunk. In your wardrobe, there's a choice between: [[A purple zoot suit...]] [[Or a black fencing outfit...]]

Alas, tasers haven't been invented yet. [[Would a sword be ok? You like swords.->Swords?...]]

When you enter the hall of the castle, everyone's there, waiting for the duel to start. Your mother says, "What are you wearing?" Your Uncle Claudius looks dumbfounded, and then starts laughing. He laughs and laughs, then he starts coughing, then he starts choking, then he has a massive heart attack and dies. Laertes says he's sorry about the misunderstanding – Horatio has explained everything and he knows it's not your fault Ophelia died. You are king. THE END. [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

You enter the great hall of Castle Elsinork to find everyone there. You take a blade, and prepare to duel with Laertes. He looks fighting fit. You remember you haven't done any training, or even held a sword for months. Are you ready for this? [[Yes of course you are...]] [[You notice a nearby trapdoor. Maybe it's not too late to escape?...]]

"What should I do, Yorick?" you ask. "Well kiddo, it's simple," he says. "Don't let your father sleep in the orchard." "That's it?" "That's it! Or you could poison your uncle Claudius, but I wouldn't recommend that. You can't do just anything when you're a prince. Only jesters can get away with murder." And so you grow up and marry Ophelia, become king, and everyone lives happily ever after (apart from Horatio). [[Or did something else happen?->ELSINORK]]

Before the gravediggers can reply, you know the answer as you see Ophelia's funeral party approach. You fall to your knees, weeping. Ophelia's brother Laertes spots you and the whole thing degenerates into an unseemly graveside spectacle as the two of you roll about in the mud. King Claudius announces there'll have to be a duel to settle it, tomorrow. You go off with Horatio, who's overjoyed to see you alive, and breaks out his secret sack stash to help you mourn Ophelia. [[The two of you drink yourselves into a stupor.->Drink yourself into oblivion?...]]

(SFX sword fight)As you fight Laertes, your mother accidentally drinks poison meant for you and dies. You fatally wound Laertes. He fatally wounds you. You poison Claudius. Apart from Horatio, pretty much everyone is soon dead, including you. Happy now? THE END. [[Or would you like to try again? Of course you would...->ELSINORK]]

(SFX terrifying monster2) It's very dark in the cellar. The grue rushes past you and up the steps. It devours everyone in the great hall and then proceeds across the landscape, laying waste to armies and towns. You make your way back to the hall, pick your way through the mangled corpses and retrieve the crown from what's left of Claudius, wiping the blood off it. You are king, at least until the grue comes back. THE END. [[Or is it?->ELSINORK]]

"Before you ask," says one of the women. "It's not gluten-free." "Or vegan," says the second. "Or soup," says the third. You say: [["Ok, laters..." and head back inside.->Go looking for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?...]] [["I'm hungry though!..."]]

You start walking back your room, then remember Netflix hasn't been invented yet. Depressed about this, you're walking along the corridor when you hear some familiar voices. You decide to spy through the keyhole. It's young Laertes, packing to leave for France, and warning his sister Ophelia about you, the cad. You consider storming in and ventilating him, but then their idiot father Polonius shows up and starts dispensing more unwanted advice. He doesn't want Ophelia to talk to you any more. You wonder if you really want to marry into this family. Do you: [[Push your way in and challenge Laertes to a duel?...]] [[Push your way in and challenge Polonius to a water fight?...]] [[Push your way in and challenge Ophelia to a game of Twister?...]] [[Go outside and try to calm down?...]]